i didn't sign up for this. i really did not. every move i'm taking isn't the right one. i'm still stuck. in a rut and this heart still beats and aches the same way it did 6months ago. this is weakness. i asked for this, that i know but i never thought it'd drag on for this long. i was/am convinced that this is what i need. somehow, i can feel my steely resolution dwindling and becoming doodoo. she's going all out to cut me off and i swear i will not do a thing about it. this was what you wanted all along right kal?

i think i need to talk to kin to sort stuff out. it has been a while since we had htht, brother to sister. well, i never knew kin had tumblr. something she posted hit home today.

"i've realized that you can spend your whole life hoping to change other people or win their approval, or you can just change yourself and live your own life exactly how you'd want it to be, away from the eyes of everyone else. for some absurd, nonsensical, almost incredulous reason, a reason that i wasn't even aware of at every time, i keep harping on moments that completely don't matter anymore because they're all just so trivial."

funny thing is.. i've always seen kin as the epitomy of irrationality and rashness. oh how the tables have turned now. i need someone to be my voice of reason. cos i beat myself up daily, in hopes that it might make me a better man. but all i'm becoming is a bitter and more grim version of how i envisioned myself to be. this can't be right. =/

and with a heavy heart, the cycle continues.

and it was night again -12:30 AM-