i feel like a kid, left to his own devices.
with a box of matches.

this entry was alot longer. same old blog same old problem. typetypetype pour out heart and soul, then in the end it all seems stupid aand deletedeletedelete. =/
i'm indecisive like that.

i saw this advert online. some stupid self-help website and the ad had this tag-line. went something like 'what are you made of?' and below it you were supposed to type all the positive adjectives or descriptive words about yourself. was tempted to type but. I couldnt think of many.

confident? but it borders on being cocky. or so she used to say. even so, where the hell does it all come from i wonder. cos in my honestest of honest opinion, i think i lack substance. alot of empty-talk. wayang only. creativity? haha resourceful? witty? nice? fuck it.

i think i listen well though. and as stupid or girly as it may sound.. i empathize well i think. way too well. wtf right. on the flip side, i was thinking about all the negativity which is haikal. damn alot. lazy, pessimistic, angsty, procrastinator, selfish, impulsive liar, stubborn, narcissistic, domineering, condescending, egoistic, blames-everybody-else-but-himself, an ingrate, moody, cocky for no reason, always-finding-stupid-excuses-to-vindicate-own-faults, unreliable, selfish.

tch. what the fuck am i doing.

and so, in the end, i'm still left with a considerably-lengthy entry which makes me sound like an absolute moron. then again, to write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself, uh.

haikal, you are not deleting this entry. cos in order to keep up with the madness that is life, every once in a while, you gotta express your thoughts into words and archive it someplace; a reminder of how senseless and stupid this all could prove to be. someday.

there is this empty space in my chest i used to call my heart. and i miss you so.

and it was night again -12:42 PM-