sunday, i went out with ma, kin and ika. we had dinner. we talked alot of issues, most of which revolved around our family's finances. kin made a comment about how unhappy we are now. at that instance, i felt angry. not for what she said, but for how i've been. so full of resentments. day in day out, i ask myself why, when all i shouldve done was to take hold of my life and just live it, not just for me, but also for the people i claim to love. dont get me wrong. i evaluate myself alot. way too much i think. i beat myself about. alotta whys and shit. i am grateful, most days, for what i have, the person im turning out to be.

ive listened to alot of people, these past few months. gone on about my new-found faith in absurdist philosophy. i have discovered things i detest about myself. but i will embrace it whole-heartedly. life; it is boundless. the more you learn, the less you know. humility counts for alot but pride and ego, they get you going. i'm always bitter about something. i consciously remind myself that i'm undeserving. that there are alotta souls out there having it alot more tough than i do. but do i? honestly? to say that at the core of it, we're all selfish mortals, it's too conclusive and generic. the fact of the matter is that, we lack the capacity to comprehend the suffering of another. simply put, i think we survive each day holding on to all manner of stereotypes and assumptions just so we're kept in check because, above-all-else, we fear change. we long for acceptance/validation.

how then, does one go on to improve oneself? to be a more wholesome existance? to be more giving? i wish i knew. i wish i fucking knew.

and it was night again -9:38 PM-